文字难度：★★★
When Miles and I decided to live together, I asked him if his mother, Terry, would be upset. Miles would graduate from flight school in a few months, and the Army would be sending him to 1)Fort Bragg, 2)N.C. My job in 3)Tallahassee would be ending at the same time, and the move felt right to both of us. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “She’ll probably want to send us a 4)housewarming gift. Go ahead and think of something.” I thought 5)place mats would be nice.
当我和迈尔斯决定同居时，我问他，他的妈妈特丽会不会不高兴。再过几个月，迈尔斯就会从飞行学校毕业，部队准备把他派往北卡罗来纳州的布拉格堡。而同时，我在塔拉哈西的工作也会结束，于是搬到一起住对我们俩来说都很合适。“别担心那个，”他说，“她可能还会送我们一份乔迁礼物呢。想想要什么吧。”我想，餐具垫应该不错。
Terry came for a visit three weeks after we moved into our tiny rented house on the outskirts of Fort Bragg. She did not bring place mats. She was tense and 6)unsettled, the way I remembered her, and she refused to stay in our guest bedroom. She stayed in a hotel across town instead.
我们租了一间位于布拉格堡郊外的小房子，搬进去三周后，特丽过来看我们。她并没有带餐具垫来。我记得当时她满心焦虑，局促不安，怎么也不肯住我们的客房，而是住进了小镇另一头的一间旅馆。
On the second day, after Miles had put on his uniform and left for the base, Terry suggested we drive to the mall in Raleigh. Spring unfolds slowly in North Carolina, and the air was cool and damp even as the first daffodils 7)pushed through the wet earth. We climbed into her rental car and drove through8)Fayetteville, where 9)rhododendrons bloomed pink against the gray morning. The rain started when we reached the 10)Interstate, and Terry11)launched into the reason for her visit. “You know Brad and I don’t approve of you living together,” she said, referring to Miles’s father. She called it “living in sin.” Her hands gripped the steering wheel and outside it poured and poured.
第二天，当迈尔斯穿上他的制服前往基地后，特丽提议我们开车到罗利的购物商场去。在北卡罗来纳州，春天缓缓而至，空气清凉而潮湿，早春的水仙花已从潮湿的泥土里破土而出。我们爬进她那辆租来的车里，开车穿过费耶特维尔。在那儿，粉红的杜鹃花正迎着阴沉的早晨盛开。当我们到达州际公路时，天开始下雨，特丽也开始说出她这次拜访的原因。“你知道我和布拉德不同意你们俩同居，”她提到的是迈尔斯的父亲。她称我们的同居行为是“生活在罪恶中”。她的双手掌控着方向盘，而车外下着倾盆大雨。
She talked for an hour and a half, without pause, without my input. But when we reached the shopping center, the space between us seemed somehow easier. We spent the afternoon shopping, as good friends often will, inspecting sales racks and eating Chinese in the 12)food court. At the makeup counter at 13)Macy’s, Terry tried on 14)lavender eye shadow. “That looks nice on you,” I said. She smiled shyly into the hand mirror. When the saleswoman asked if she’d like her to wrap it up, Terry nodded. Later, after the visit, I asked if Brad had liked the new eye shadow. “He didn’t notice,” she said coolly. The distance had returned.
她连续说了一个半小时，中间没有停歇，我也没有插话。但当我们到达购物中心时，我们俩之间的距离又好像缩小了。我们像好朋友一般，整个下午都在逛街，细看货架上的商品，在美食街吃中餐。在梅西百货的化妆品柜台前，特丽试用了一款淡紫色的眼影。“你画上这眼影很漂亮。”我说道。她对着手中的镜子害羞地微笑。当那位女店员问是否需要她将它包起来时，特丽点了点头。那次拜访之后，我问她，布拉德是否喜欢那款新眼影。“他没有注意到，”她冷冷地说道。我们的关系又再次变得疏远了。
In the summer, we stopped at Miles’s home in the Texas 15)panhandle on our way to Fort Hood in the central part of the state. His 16)unit would spend nine months training there before heading to Iraq. Miles spent his days outside; he rode horses and worked on the ranch with Brad, while I stayed inside with Terry. She showed me how to make her 17)meat loaf and wrote the recipe for her sugar cookies on an index card for me to take to Fort Hood. She talked endlessly, hardly pausing for breath. Mostly she talked about Miles. She talked about breast-feeding, sleepless nights and Miles’s sweet baby smile.
那个夏天，我们前往位于北卡罗来纳州中心的胡德堡，途中在迈尔斯家中逗留了一段时间，他们家就位于得克萨斯州的狭长地带。他的部队在前往伊拉克之前将会在那里进行为期九个月的训练。迈尔斯白天都待在外头，骑骑马，和布拉德一块在大牧场里劳作，而我则和特丽待在屋里。她给我演示如何做她那些肉糕，还把那些白糖曲奇饼干的制作方法写在一张索引卡上给我带去胡德堡。她喋喋不休，几乎不用停下来换口气。大多数时候，她都在谈论迈尔斯。她提到自己母乳喂哺，不眠不休地带孩子，还有迈尔斯小时候那甜美的笑容。
On the day Miles was 18)deployed, after we left him at the 19)hangar on base, Terry came back to our apartment. She helped me pack up our life so I could go home to my family in Florida. Together, we boxed the towels, the 20)bed linens and the TV. We loaded them into Miles’s21)pickup and Terry drove the truck back to Texas, where it would wait for him to come home.
迈尔斯被派遣的那天，我们与他在基地的飞机棚告别。之后，特丽回到了我们的公寓。她帮我“打包”我们的生活，好让我回到自己位于佛罗里达州的家中。我们一块儿把毛巾、被单、枕套和电视装进箱子里，然后装上迈尔斯的那辆敞篷小货车。特丽再把那辆货车开回得克萨斯州，这车就在那儿等着迈尔斯回来。
When he did come home, it was not the way we expected, but with an escort and an 22)honor guard and 23)casualty assistance officers. Terry told me that when the notifying soldier came to her door, she wouldn’t let him speak. “Stop,” she said and held up a hand. “Just tell me if my son is alive.” “No, 24)ma’am,” the soldier said. “He’s not.”
当他真的回来时，情况与我们所期望的很不同，他是随着一支护卫队、一支仪仗队，以及一些伤亡援助官员一起回来的。特丽告诉我，当通报的士兵来到她门前时，她不让他说话。“什么都别说，”她边说边举起一只手。“只要告诉我，我的儿子还活着吗？”“不，夫人，”那位士兵说道，“他死了。”
I couldn’t imagine that kind of 25)backbone; I had listened silently through my own notification, then thanked the soldiers as they left. But later, when it had all 26)sunk in—this new reality and the things we do when we lose someone we love—her reaction felt right. Miles was the best of her. He had her face, her 27)build, her Texas 28)twang. As much as he was to me, he was more to her, more 29)viscerally hers.
我无法想象那种坚毅。我安静地听完他们给我的通告，然后在士兵们离开时向他们道谢。但后来，当一切都被了解得知后——包括这新的现实以及我们失去所爱后所做的一切——我觉得她的反应是对的。迈尔斯是她最宝贝的一切。他有着与她相似的面容和体形，以及她那得克萨斯州人独有的鼻音。对我而言，迈尔斯已是如此的重要，而对她来说，则意味着更多，他是她骨肉相连的亲人。
After the first few months, after the unspeakable sadness of the funeral and learning the horrible details of Miles’s death, Terry came to Florida to help me sort through the things sent back from Iraq. There were two black plastic bins filled with Miles’s possessions, carefully labeled and organized, still covered with a 30)fine dusting of Iraqi sand. Although they were legally mine—I was 31)next of kin, after all—it didn’t feel right that I should have sole access to them.
头几个月过去了，经历了葬礼上无以言喻的悲伤以及了解了迈尔斯丧生时那些可怕的细节之后，特丽来到佛罗里达州帮我整理那些从伊拉克寄回来的东西。有两个黑色的塑料箱，里面装满了迈尔斯的东西。它们都被小心地贴上了标签，有序地摆放着，还覆盖着一层来自伊拉克的薄薄沙尘。尽管这些遗物在法律上属于我——我毕竟是他法律上的至亲——但独占它们让我感觉很不好。
We sat in my garage with the doors open while heavy sheets of rain poured down outside and 32)sifted through Miles’s life in the desert. We sorted through his notebooks and office supplies. We 33)flipped through his CD collection and 34)paged through his books. When it was all too much—too much to remember, too much life packed into those plastic containers—Terry stopped and pulled a T-shirt from the pile. She raised it to her face and breathed deeply, searching for some trace of Miles. She did not know what I knew, for I had already done the same. The Army had 35)laundered his clothes before sending them home, and this, too, was lost.
我们坐在我的车库里，门都开着，外面大雨倾盆而下。我们仔细地查看并想象迈尔斯在那沙漠战地的生活。我们整理他的笔记本和办公用品。我们浏览他收集的唱片，一页页地翻看他的书。当这一切让我们感觉太沉重时——那些回忆，以及那些塑料箱里塞满的“生活片段”都太沉重了——特丽停下来，从那堆东西里扯出一件T恤。她把它捧到自己的面前，深深地呼吸，试图找寻一丝属于迈尔斯的气味。她有所不知的是，我早已做过同样的事。部队在把迈尔斯的衣服寄回家之前已将它们清洗过，结果这件T恤上属于迈尔斯的气味就此遗失了。
What remained was the space created by Miles’s absence, thick and 36)palpable with our grief. Losing a spouse is in no way like losing a child, but all loss is in some way like losing ourselves. In the months after Miles’s death Terry and I struggled to 37)reorient our own lives, and in that search we found each other. We began to bridge the distance that had been between us, bringing our shared love for Miles into the unknowable middle ground.
残存下来的是迈尔斯离去后产生的空洞感，厚重而真实，而我们的悲伤充斥其中。失去伴侣与失去孩子的感受完全不同，但从某个角度来说都如同失去了我们自己。在迈尔斯去世后的几个月里，我和特丽挣扎着重新适应我们自己的生活，而在这个探寻的过程中，我们成为了好友。我们开始弥合过去存在于我们之间的那种隔阂，把我们对迈尔斯共有的爱带进一个未知的中间地带。
I have heard people say that you should never marry a man who does not love his mother. I was lucky: Miles loved his mother fiercely. He loved me, too. In losing him, Terry and I have not 38)divvied up this love, as we have with his other things. We have discovered that there is more than enough to share.
我曾听人们说过，你绝对不要嫁给一个不爱自己母亲的男人。我是幸运的：迈尔斯深爱着他的母亲。他也爱我。失去他以后，我和特丽并没有像分掉他的其他东西那般分割他的爱。我们发现了，我们有太多的东西可以分享。
