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二十来岁时的她大胆、勇敢,俨然一个所向披靡的强者。有了孩子以后,一切都变了。现已年近四十的她是那么怀念从前的那个自己,她想知道如何能重拾当年的朝气。已为人母的你是否也感同身受?
My 1)twentysomething self is a bit 2)hazy now, washed out by too many late-night cocktails and, now, years of parenthood. But I still remember that girl.
She would leave a bar in 3)Madrid at three in the morning, jump on some Spaniard’s motorcycle, and enjoy an exhilarating, high-speed spin around the city with him—without ever knowing his name. And go for a ride on a glider airplane, because who says planes need motors? And move from New York City to 4)Great Falls, Montana to pursue dreams of being a TV reporter, without ever having set foot in the Big Sky state. Maybe not quite realizing that she was signing up for bears, minus-30-degree weather, and no sushi anywhere in sight.
I miss that girl.
During my twenties, I felt so damn 5)invincible. So courageous. So strong. But somewhere along the way, fear crept in. I started to hesitate. About too many things. I can now think of a crazy amount of reasons why it’s not such a brilliant idea to hop on some random guy’s motorcycle in the middle of the night in Madrid. Or why I’d like a plane to have a motor. Maybe even two. Or why it might be a good idea to check out a city before you relocate your entire life.
But with this maturity, I’ve lost something along the way. A certain 6)boldness. A boldness that 7)offers up life as it is meant to be lived. The full experience.
I know it has a lot to do with having children. It seems the more I have to lose, the more people I desperately love, the more paralyzed I become. I want to protect my children from the evils of life and keep them safe forever. I want to be here on this earth for them as long as possible. Of course, rationally, I know I can’t control their destiny. Or my destiny. But I keep trying.
I think back to my high school yearbook quote. “Risks must be taken because the greatest 8)hazard in life is to risk nothing. Only a person who takes risks is free.” As I near 40 (when you’re considered middle-aged and everyone seems to9)gleefully call you ma’am), I need some of that adventurous 10)mojo back.
I want to let go. Just a tiny bit. I want to have trust in the universe. I want to stop being afraid. I want to have more fun. Because I want my children to see me as a loving, independent, and courageous spirit. The kind of mother who would absolutely take a ride on a motorcycle every now and again.
太多的深宵酒醉,再加上身为人母多年,自己二十来岁是什么样子,现在想来有点模糊了,但我还是记得那个女孩的。
她会在凌晨三点才离开马德里的一间酒吧,跳上某个西班牙男人的摩托车,和他一起疯狂地绕城飙车——连他叫什么名字也不会去问。她会去玩滑翔机,谁说飞机一定要有发动机的?她从纽约市搬到蒙大拿州的大瀑布城,为的是追寻电视台记者梦,尽管之前她从未踏足过这个人称“长空之乡”的州份。也许她当时并不知道她迁居到的是一个野熊遍野,气温低至零下三十摄氏度,举目无寿司的地方。
我想念那个女孩。
在我二十几岁的时候,我感觉自己真的太一往无前了,那么勇敢,那么坚强。而不知从何时开始,恐惧感潜了进来。我开始会犹豫,太多的事情让我感到犹豫了。我现在可以想出多得让人抓狂的种种理由来说明:为何在深夜的马德里随便跳上某个家伙的摩托车并不是个明智之举,为何我觉得飞机得要有一个,甚至是两个发动机,为何在跨州过省迁居谋生之前最好还是先了解一下那个目的地城市。
但这种成熟也使我一路上丢失了某种东西。一份果敢。一份让我们坦然接受生活的各种可能,全面体验人生的果敢。
我知道这种改变跟我有了孩子有很大关系。仿佛我害怕失去的东西越多,我深爱的人越多,我就变得愈加谨小慎微。我想保护我的孩子不受生活中邪恶一面的荼毒,永远护着他们。为了他们,我要尽可能活久一点。当然,从理性上来讲,我知道我不能控制他们的命运,或者我的命运,但我还是在不断尝试。
我回想起高中年鉴里的一条引言:“我们必须接受挑战,因为生活中最大的危险莫过于不去挑战任何东西。只有不断接受挑战的人才是自由的。”在我将近四十岁之时(这个年龄被认为是中年,且每个人似乎都很乐意叫你太太),我需要那种刺激我冒险的“符咒”再度回到我身上。
我想放开一些东西,就一些。我想要信赖这世界,我想要停止恐惧,我想要享受更多的乐趣。因为我想让孩子看到自己的妈妈是一个满怀爱心,独立勇敢的人,是那种绝对会不时跳上摩托车搭便车的妈妈。
