进入六月，总有一个节日让人铭记在心，无论你是小孩子还是大孩子。（啥节日就不用说了吧？）
关于孩子，我们有无数话要说，且听英国幽默大师杰罗姆是如何说的——“他们使空虚的心灵感到充实，他们随时将爱的阳光洒在愁云密布的脸上，他们用小小的手指抚平皱纹，将它们变为笑容……虽然他们可能到处招惹麻烦，把所到之处弄得肮脏不堪，要养活他们需要好多钱，可是你还是不愿拥有没有孩子的屋子。没有他们喧闹的舌头和淘气的双手，那简直就不是个家。房间里缺了他们脚板的啪啪声，难道不显得寂寞吗？他们七嘴八舌，一齐朝人喊叫，但少了这些，你难道不会怅然若失吗？ ”
本文就节选自杰罗姆的散文集《闲人遐想录》中的《论婴儿》，除了幽默风趣之外，其中的心理描写也十分精彩，值得一读。阅读时可留意一下大量长句的运用。
文字难度：★★★☆
Your best plan is to address the 1)article as “little angel.” The noun “angel” being of common gender suits the case admirably, and the 2)epithet is sure of being favorably received. “Pet” or “beauty” are useful for variety’s sake, but “angel” is the term that brings you the greatest credit for sense and good-feeling. And whatever you do, don’t forget to say that the child has got its father’s nose. This “3)fetches” the parents (if I may be allowed a 4)vulgarism) more than anything. They will pretend to laugh at the idea at first and will say, “Oh, nonsense!” You must then get excited and insist that it is a fact. You need have no 5)conscientious 6)scruples on the subject, because the thing’s nose really does resemble its father’s—at all events quite as much as it does anything else in nature—being, as it is, a mere 7)smudge.
最高明的办法是用“小天使”来称呼那小家伙。“天使”这个名词两性通用，因此极适用于这种情况，而且这个称号肯定极受欢迎。为了避免千篇一律，“小家伙”或“小美人”的叫法也很有用，不过，“天使”是能在赢得好感方面给你带来最大收益的术语。另外，无论你做什么，千万别忘了说那孩子的鼻子酷似其父。说句粗俗话，用这句评语拍婴儿双亲的马屁比任何其他方式都灵验。听见这句话，他们起初会装出一笑，说：“哦，胡说！”这时你必须激动起来，坚持说那绝对是事实。你大可不必对你的话感到良心不安，因为那小家伙的鼻子的确非常像他父亲（反正，跟自然界任何东西都挺像的），实际上，那鼻子只不过是脸上的一个小污点而已。
Do not 8)despise these hints, my friends. There may come a time when, with mamma on one side and grandmamma on the other, a group of admiring young ladies (not admiring you, though) behind, and 9)a bald-headed dab of humanity in front, you will be extremely thankful for some idea of what to say. A man—an unmarried man, that is—is never seen to such disadvantage as when undergoing the ordeal of “seeing baby.” A cold 10)shudder runs down his back at the bare proposal, and the sickly smile with which he says how delighted he shall be ought surely to move even a mother’s heart, unless, as I am inclined to believe, the whole proceeding is a mere 11)device adopted by wives to discou-rage the visits of bachelor friends.
朋友，可别小看这些提示。总有一天你会碰到这种局面：你的左边是妈妈，右边是祖母，后边是一群满带赞赏目光的女士（只不过她们不是在赞赏你），前边是一个头顶光光的婴儿，这时你就会因为知道该说什么而谢天谢地了。一个男人——我是说，一个未婚男人——最难堪的时候，莫过于他经受“初见婴儿”的折磨之际。只要听到这个提议，就会令他毛骨悚然。不用说，他说他“乐于从命”时的苦笑，应当能够打动哪怕是为人母者的心，除非像我倾向于认为的那样，那个提议只是妻子们的一种巧计，为的是尽量减少单身汉朋友的造访。
It is a cruel trick, though, whatever its excuse may be. The bell is rung and somebody sent to tell nurse to bring baby down. This is the signal for all the females present to commence talking “baby,” during which time you are left to your own sad thoughts and the speculations upon the practicability of suddenly recol-lecting an important engagement, and the likelihood of your being believed if you do. Just when you have 12)concocted an absurdly implausible tale about a man outside, the door opens, and a tall, severe-looking woman enters, carrying what at first sight appears to be a particularly skinny 13)bolster, with the feathers all at one end. Instinct, however, tells you that this is the baby, and you rise with a miserable attempt at appearing eager. When the first 14)gush of feminine enthusiasm with which the object in question is received has died out, and the number of ladies talking at once has been reduced to the ordinary four or five, the circle of fluttering 15)petticoats divides, and room is made for you to step forward. This you do with much the same air that you would walk into the 16)dock at 17)Bow Street, and then, feeling unutterably miserable, you stand solemnly staring at the child. There is dead silence, and you know that every one is waiting for you to speak. You try to think of something to say, but find, to your horror, that your reasoning faculties have left you. It is a moment of despair, and your evil genius, seizing the opportunity, suggests to you some of the most idiotic remarks that it is possible for a human being to 18)perpetrate. Glancing round with an 19)imbecile smile, you sniggeringly observe that “it hasn’t got much hair has it?” Nobody answers you for a minute, but at last the 20)stately nurse says with much 21)gravity: “It is not customary for children five weeks old to have long hair.” Another silence follows this, and you feel you are being given a second chance, which you avail yourself of by inquiring if it can walk yet, or what they feed it on.
不过，无论出于什么借口，“初见婴儿”都是一个残酷的圈套。铃声一响，有人去吩咐保姆把婴儿从楼上抱下来。这是在场的所有女性开始谈论“宝贝儿”的信号，在那段时间里，你被冷落在一旁而独自发愁。这个信号也使你开始考虑是否可能突然想起一个重要的约会，以及你以此脱身的可能性。你刚刚编造出一个不合情理的荒唐借口，想说门外有个人正等着你，房门就开了，一位身材高大、神情庄严的女人走了进来，抱着一个乍看上去极不起眼的小枕头，一端全是羽毛。然而本能告诉你：这就是那个婴儿。于是你站起来，竭力使自己显得心情迫切。等到全体在场女性对那婴儿的第一阵热烈赞美渐渐平息，并且同时说话的女士人数已经减少到通常情况下的四到五人，女人们围成的一圈出现了缺口，就到了你迈步向前的时候。你迈步向前，神态犹如走上博街警察法庭的被告席，然后，你感到说不出的苦恼，一本正经地站立着，凝视那个孩子。此时四周一片肃静，你知道人人都在等着你讲话。你拼命思索说些什么，却惊恐地发现：你的说理能力早已离你而去了。这是个绝望的时刻，幸亏你的心魔抓住机会，向你推荐了一些能信口胡说的最常用的套话。你傻傻地微笑着，环视四周，心里窃笑，说：“这孩子头发不多，是吧？”有一阵，谁都没有回答。不过最后那位威严的保姆极其郑重地说道：“五个星期大的孩子，头发一般都不长。”然后，又是一片肃静，这时你觉得自己获得了第二次机会，因此你就乘机询问那孩子是否会走路，或者他们喂那孩子吃什么。
By this time you have got to be regarded as not quite right in your head, and pity is the only thing felt for you. The nurse, however, is determined that, insane or not, there shall be no 22)shirking and that you shall go through your task to the end. In the tones of a high 23)priestess directing some religious mystery she says, holding the bundle toward you: “Take her in your arms, sir.” You are too crushed to offer any resistance and so 24)meekly accept the burden. “Put your arm more down her middle, sir,” says the high-priestess, and then all step back and watch you intently as though you were going to do a trick with it.
这一回，你肯定会被看作脑子有毛病，人们对你只有怜悯。但是，保姆却坚决认为无论你是否疯了都不应逃避义务，你应当彻底履行你的职责。于是她将那个襁褓递给你，用高级女祭司指导某种神秘宗教仪式的腔调说道：“先生，抱抱她。”你如雷贯顶无力推拒，恭顺地接过了重任。“先生，把你搂着她的手臂再往下放一点。”高级女祭司吩咐道。然后，所有的人都后退一步，专注地看着你的举动，仿佛你正要拿那个孩子变戏法。
What to do you know no more than you did what to say. It is certain something must be done, and the only thing that occurs to you is to 25)heave the unhappy infant up and down to the accompaniment of “26)oops-a-daisy,” or some remark of equal intelligence. “I wouldn’t 27)jig her, sir, if I were you,” says the nurse; “a very little upsets her.” You promptly decide not to jig her and sincerely hope that you have not gone too far already.
你既不知道该说些什么，也不知道该做些什么。不过，肯定应当做点儿什么，而你唯一能够想到的事情，就是把那个满脸不快的婴儿举起来再放下来，同时嘴里哼唱着“飞呀飞”之类的傻词儿。“先生，我要是你的话就不晃动她，”保姆说，“一点风吹草动都会惹她不开心的。”你马上决定不再晃动她，并衷心希望自己还没有做得太过。
At this point the child itself, who has 28)hitherto been regarding you with an expression of mingled horror and disgust, puts an end to the nonsense by beginning to yell at the top of its voice, at which the priestess rushes forward and snatches it from you with “There! there! there! What did 29)ums do to ums?” “How very extraordinary!” you say pleasantly. “Whatever made it go off like that?” “Oh, why, you must have done something to her!” says the mother indignantly; “the child wouldn’t scream like that for nothing.” It is evident they think you have been running pins into it.
那孩子一直用恐惧和厌恶的眼神盯着你，就在这个时候，她突然高声尖叫起来，结束了你刚才那个愚蠢的举动。保姆冲上来将孩子夺过去，说道：“宝贝儿！宝贝儿！宝贝儿！他怎么你啦？”“这孩子真了不起啊！”你愉快地说，“怎么会一下子就哭了呢？”这时，婴儿的母亲愤怒地说：“哎哟，你一定是对她做了什么！孩子绝不会无缘无故就哭成那样的。”显然，他们认为你用别针扎了她。
The 30)brat is calmed at last, and would no doubt remain quiet enough, only some 31)mischievous 32)busybody points you out again with “Who’s this, baby?” and the intelligent child, recognizing you, howls louder than ever.
那小家伙终于不哭了，而且看来肯定会安静一阵。不过，某个好恶作剧的多事者又指着你问那孩子：“宝贝儿，这是谁呀？”那聪明的孩子认出了你，又加倍地嚎啕大哭起来。
33)Whereupon some fat old lady remarks that “it’s strange how children take a dislike to any one.” “Oh, they know,” replies another mysteriously. “It’s a wonderful thing,” adds a third; and then everybody looks sideways at you, convinced you are a scoundrel 34)of the blackest dye; and they 35)glory in the beautiful idea that your true character, unguessed by your fellow-men, has been discovered by the untaught instinct of a little child.
对此，某位富态的老太太评论说：“真奇怪，孩子们竟然会讨厌什么人。”“噢，怎么不会？他们知道讨厌谁。”另一位神秘兮兮地回答道。“这真叫人惊讶。”又一位补充了一句。于是，每个人都对你侧目而视，坚信你是一个彻头彻尾的无赖；而且他们得意地认为：你的真正本性虽然瞒过了其他成年人，却被一个小孩那天生的本能揭露了出来。
Odd little people! They are the unconscious comedians of the world’s great stage. They supply the humor in life’s all-too-heavy drama. Each one, a small but determined opposition to the order of things in general, is forever doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, in the wrong place and in the wrong way. Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn’t do something it oughtn’t to, a doctor should be called in at once.
奇特的小家伙们！他们是世界这个大舞台上不经意的喜剧家。他们为生活这部过于沉重的戏剧提供幽默。每个孩子都绝对是事物普通秩序的小小对抗者，总是在错误的时间、错误的地点，以错误的方式做错误的事情。只要给一个普通的婴儿以合适的机会，他就会做出不该做的事来，倘若没有，那就得立即把医生请到家里来了。
