在冬天的上路 Tract
—Excerpt of The Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade
零八年七月的一个夏日午后，偶遇《殡葬人手记——一个阴森行业的生活研究》，我开始为它无限着迷。这二十几年来，我一直在努力寻找一种方式，克服心里对那些没有了呼吸的人的恐惧，因为爱而带来的极度恐惧。我知道，我终于找到了。
作者托马斯·林奇，一个给死人化妆的殡葬人，一个在生死边缘聆听歌唱的听者，有时候又有点实际地喋喋不休于葬礼的经济数目，以及人们给死亡拉上帷幕时的窘态。他的父亲一辈子都惧怕死亡，看上去是一个没有宗教情怀的殡葬人，而他的母亲则虔诚得只有一句生命逻辑：“听天由命，顺其自然”。他的父亲可能因为见多了意外死亡事件，“一直警觉着，提防着，在我童年的记忆里，没有一个早晨他不是守候在床前等我们醒来。”
殡葬人似乎是生死之间的一道门，就像我们很少留意到的花谢时那风声里的静默。
林奇的笔下有种伤感的诗意。在给一个死去的熟人化妆时，他不知是让其左手压着右手还是相反，他说道——那是一对相依为命的手。他还有这样的感想：“安葬死者要经过那么多程序，就是要表明，他们曾经生活过，他们的生活方式有别于一块石头、一棵杜鹃花、或一只猩猩，他们的生活值得叙述和回忆。”
他强调，越是接近死亡的地方，越是有生的气息。他文字里的某些黑色幽默像是伤感的墓地里盛开着的鲜亮花朵，呈现着逝去的生命那非一般的色彩。
本章节选自本书最后一章，讲述了林奇心目中自己的葬礼。
——Lavender
文字难度：★★★
I’d rather it be February. Not that it will matter much to me. Not that I’m a stickler for details, but since you’re asking, February. The month I first became a father, the month my father died. Yes. Better even than November.
我宁愿那是二月。这对于我并非有什么重大意义。我也不是过分讲究细节的人，但既然你问我，那就二月吧。我第一次做父亲是在二月，我父亲去世也是在二月。确实，二月甚至比十一月还好。
I want it cold. I want the gray to inhabit the air like wood does trees, as an essence, not a coincidence. And the hope for springtime, gardens and romance,1)dulled to a 2)stump by the winter in Michigan.
我希望那是个寒冷的二月，我希望灰暗弥漫天际，就如木质之于树木，是其本质而非偶然。人们对春天、花园和爱情的希望，早已被密歇根的严冬摧残殆尽。
Yes, February. With the cold behind you and the cold before you, with the darkness stubborn at the edges of the day. And a wind to make the cold more bitter. So that ever after it might be said that, “it was a sad old day, we did it, after all.”
是的，二月。在你周围只有寒冷。黎明和黄昏都是一派昏暗。风愈加把寒气逼到人的骨子里。那天结束后，人们可能会说，“真是个阴惨的日子。我们好歹弄完了。”
And a good 3)frosthold on the ground so that, for nights before it is dug, the 4)sexton will have had to 5)go up and put a fire down, under the hood that fits the space, to soften the topsoil for the 6)backhoe’s toothy 7)bucket.
找块冻得僵硬的好地，这样，在破土之前的好几晚，教堂司事不得不跑去，在墓地的表层点个火，表层的土烤松了，挖土机的锯齿铲斗才挖得进去。
8)Wake me. Let those you want to come and look. They have their reasons. You’ll have yours. And if someone says, “Doesn’t he look natural!” take no offense. They’ve got it right. This was always in my nature. It’s in yours.
为我守灵吧。让愿意来看的人来看吧。他们有他们的道理，你也会有你的。如果有人说，“他看起来多么安详！”不要介意。他们说得不错。这本是我的天性，也在你的天性之中。
And have the 9)clergy take their part in it. Let them 10)take their best shot. If they’re ever going to make sense to you, now’s the time. They’re looking, same as the rest of us. The questions are more instructive than the answers. Be wary of anyone who knows what to say.
叫牧师来吧，让他们一展口才。也就是这个时候，你才会觉得他们有点道理。和其他人一样，他们也在看。问题总是比答案更有意义。注意那些知道自己要说什么的人。
As for music, suit yourselves. I’ll be out of earshot, stone deaf. A lot can be said for pipers and 11)tin whistlers. But consider the difference between a funeral with a few tunes and a concert with a corpse down front. Avoid, for your own sakes, anything you’ve heard in the dentist’s office or the 12)roller rink.
至于音乐，随便你们。反正我听不见，完全聋掉。说到风笛和六孔笛，有很多讲究。但要想想，是在办只需要几段曲子的葬礼呢，还是要办场音乐会，不过前下方躺着个死人。算是为你们自己着想吧，千万不要播放像在牙医诊所或溜冰场听到的那些玩意儿。
Poems might be said. I have had friends who were poets. Mind you they tend to go on a bit. Especially around horizontal bodies. Sex and death are their principle studies. It is here where the services of an experienced undertaker are most appreciated. Accustomed to being 13)personae non grata, they’ll act the worthy editor and tell the 14)bards when it’s time to put a 15)sock in it.
有人可能会提到诗。我有一些诗人朋友。但我要提醒你，他们总会有点滔滔不绝，尤其是尸体没入土的时候。他们探索的主题离不开性爱与死亡。就是这时，大家才会对经验老道的仵工感激不尽。虽然平时总让人避之则吉，仵工这时会充当极具分量的编辑，告诉那些“吟游诗人”该闭嘴了。
On the subject of money: you get what you pay for. Deal with someone whose instincts you trust. If someone tells you you haven’t spent enough, tell them to 16)go piss up a rope. Tell the same thing to anyone who says you’ve spent too much, tell them to piss up a rope too. It’s your money. Do what you want with it. But let me make one thing perfectly clear. You know the type who’s always saying, “When I’m dead, save your money, spend it on something really useful and do me cheaply”? I’m not one of them. Never was. I’ve always thought that funerals were useful. So do what suits you. It’s yours to do. You’re entitled to wholesale on most of it.
说到钱，一分钱一分货，最好和本性信得过的人打交道。如果有人说你太抠门儿，叫他滚一边去。如果谁说你花钱太浪费，同样叫他滚，滚得远远的。那是你的钱，花多花少是你的事。但有一件事我要先说清楚：你知道有那么一种人，他们总是振振有辞：“等我死了，丧事从俭，留着钱干更有用的事。”我和他们不一样，历来如此。我一向认为葬礼有意义。所以，你觉得怎么合适，就怎么做。这是你的事。多半事情统统是你自己拿主意。
As for guilt—it’s much overrated. Here are the facts in the case at hand: I’ve known the love of the ones who have loved me. And I’ve known they’ve known I love them too. Every-thing else in the end seems irrelevant. But if guilt is the thing, forgive yourself, forgive me. And, if a little upgrade in the 17)pomp and circumstance makes you feel better, consider it money wisely spent. Compared to 18)shrinks and 19)pharmaceuticals, bartenders or 20)homeopaths, geographical or 21)ecclesiastical cures, even the priciest funeral is a bargain.
说到内疚，它总是被夸大。在这种场合，事情很简单：我知道那些一直爱着我的人爱我，我也知道他们知道我爱他们。仅此足矣，其他的一切，似乎无关紧要。如果真有内疚这回事，那么，原谅你自己，也原谅我。如果一场风光的葬礼能让你感到宽慰，钱就花得不冤了。比起看心理医生、花钱买药、到酒吧买醉、接受顺势疗法、旅行散心、宗教慰藉，葬礼就算再奢华也显得超级划算。
I want a mess made in the snow so that the earth looks wounded, forced open, an unwilling participant. Forego the tent. Stand openly to the weather. Get the larger equipment out of sight. It’s a distraction. But have the sexton all dirt and indifference, remain at hand. He and the 22)hearse driver can talk of poker or trade jokes in whispers and straight-faced, while the clergy tend their final commendations. Those who lean on shovels and fill holes, like those who lean on custom and old prayers, are, each of them, experts in the one field.
我要雪地给弄得一片狼籍，仿佛大地的伤口，仿佛被迫敞开胸膛，不情愿却给硬拽进来。别搭帐篷，直接在严寒中露天而立。不要什么大型装备，那是喧宾夺主。有那位满身泥土、表情淡漠的掘墓人在就行了。当牧师向死者献上最后的赞词时，他可以和开灵车的人一边绷直了脸，装出严肃的样子，一边小声谈谈牌艺，或者说说笑话。拄着铁锹挖坑填土的人，跟循规蹈矩死守祷文的人一样，个个都是这一行当的专家。
And you should see it until the very end. Avoid the temptation of tidy 23)leavetaking in a room, a cemetery 24)chapel, the foot of an altar. None of that. Don’t dodge it because of the weather. We’ve fished and watched football in worse conditions. It won’t take long. Go to the hole in the ground. Stand over it. Look into it. Wonder and be cold. But stay until it’s over. Until it’s done.
你应当坚持到最后一刻，无论是在房间、墓地小教堂，还是圣坛前，别想着来个体面辞别。别来这一套。不要因为天冷而逃避。更坏的天气里我们照样钓鱼，照样看球。不会拖太久的。走到墓穴边，站在那里，看一看，想一想，受着冻，但坚持到底，坚持到全部结束。
After the words are finished, lower it. Leave the ropes. Toss the gray gloves in on top. Push the dirt in and be done. Watch each other’s ankles. Stamp your feet in the cold, let your heads sink between your shoulders, keep looking down. That’s where what is happening is happening. And when you’re done, look up and leave. But not until you’re done.
该说的话说完了，降下棺材，松开绳索，脱下灰手套扔在上面，然后填土掩埋。小心别踩到旁人。在寒风中立定脚跟。垂头于两肩之间，目光向下，好戏正在底下上演。干完活，抬头离开。但必须等完事以后。
So if you opt for burning, stand and watch. If you cannot watch it, maybe you should reconsider. Stand in earshot of the sizzle and the pop. Try to get a 25)whiff of the goings on. Warm your hands to the fire. This might be a good time for a song. Bury the ashes, the cinders, and bones. The bits of the box that did not burn.
如果是火化，站在旁边看。如果不敢看，也许你要再想想看。站在能听见炉火的咝咝声和啪啪声的近处，试试能不能闻到一丝烟味。不妨凑近炉火暖暖手。这时候放首歌也不错。埋掉骨灰、炭渣和残骨，以及未烧尽的棺木。
They used to have this year of mourning. Folks wore armbands, black clothes, played no music in the house. Black wreaths were hung at the front doors. The damaged were identified. For a full year you were allowed your grief—the dreams and sleeplessness, the sadness, and the rage. The weeping and giggling in all the wrong places. The catch in your breath at the sound of the name. After a year you would be back to normal. “Time heals” is what was said to explain this. If not, of course, you were pronounced some version of crazy and in need of professional help.
过去，他们会哀悼一整年。亲友们穿黑衣，佩臂纱，摒绝音乐，前门挂上黑色花环。谁家有丧葬之事，一目了然。整整一年，你尽可哀伤不止，梦见亲人，彻夜无眠，伤心、恼恨，哭笑不得其所，提到死者的名字就声音哽咽。一年时间在煎熬中蹒跚而过，你终于平静下来。人说“时间是疗伤的良药”，当然，如果不这样，大家就会说你有点“不对劲”，该去看心理医生了。
Whatever’s there to feel, feel it—the riddance, the relief, the fright and freedom, the fear of forgetting, the dull ache of your own mortality. Go home in pairs. Warm to the flesh that warms you still. Get with someone you can trust with tears and anger, wonderment and utter silence. Get that part done—the sooner, the better. The only way around these things is through them.
不管感觉如何，去感觉吧——解脱、放松、恐惧和自由，担心遗忘，想到自己将来殊途同归而心中隐痛。结伴回家，温暖那些仍给你温暖的人。带着眼泪和怒火去找你信得过的人，向他诉说你的讶异，或干脆无言相对。捱过这段困难的日子，越快越好。对待这种事的唯一办法，就是挺过去。
I know I shouldn’t be going on like this.
I’ve had this problem all my life. Directing funerals.
It’s yours to do—my funeral—not mine. The death is yours to live with once I’m dead.
So, here is a coupon good for Disregard. And here is another marked My Approval. Ignore with my blessings whatever I have said beyond Love One Another.
Live Forever.
All I really wanted was a witness. To say I was. To say, 26)daft as it still sounds, maybe I am.
To say, if they ask you, it was a sad day after all. It was a cold, gray day.
February.
Of course any other month you’re on your own. Have no fear—you’ll know what to do. Go now, I think you are ready.
我知道，我不该这样一直指指点点下去。
我一辈子都是这样。为葬礼张罗操心。
我的葬礼，是你们的事，我不管了。我死了以后，就轮到你们这些活着的人来面对死亡了。
所以，给你个免死金牌，上书 “不用理会”。再一个是“我同意”。除了那句“互爱”，我说过的其他话你大可不管。
好好活着。
我真正需要的只是一个见证者。说我活过。说我——听上去很蠢——也许还活着。
如果人们问起，就说那是个悲惨的日子。一个寒冷的，灰暗的日子。
在二月。
至于你，选哪一个月都行。别害怕，你知道该怎么做。现在就上路吧，我想你已准备好了。
