《男人来自火星，女人来自金星》是一本呈现男女不同的情感世界和思维方式,有助于完善夫妻关系的通俗性心理自助读物。其英文版于1992年在美国首次出版。该书一出版,即引起了巨大的社会轰动,在美国各年龄层的男男女女中产生了很大影响。自问世以来,其销量已超过1.4亿册,且被翻译成40多种语言。
作者约翰·格雷(1951— )是一位心理学博士,是人际关系和情感问题研究方面的专家。其作品还包括《伟大的奇迹:火星人与金星人》、《来自天堂的孩子》、《感觉,是最好的医生》等等。
本文节选自该书第一章、第二章及第十二章。
文字难度：★★☆
Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day long ago the 1)Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the 2)Venusians. Just glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they had never known. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to Venus. The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. The love between the Venusians and Martians was magical. They delighted in being together, doing things together, and sharing together. Though from different worlds, they 3)reveled in (took pleasure) their differences. For years they lived together in love and harmony. Then they decided to fly to Earth. In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful. But the effects of Earth’s atmosphere4)took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a 5)peculiar kind of 6)amnesia, selective amnesia!
让我们来设想一下男人来自火星,而女人来自金星:很久以前的某一天,火星人透过望远镜眺望时,发现了金星人,对其仅仅一瞥,就唤起了他们从未有过的感觉。他们爱上了这些金星人,于是迅速发明了太空旅行装置,飞往金星。金星人张开双臂欢迎火星人。金星人和火星人之间擦出的爱火不可思议。他们喜欢呆在一起,一块儿做事,一块儿分享。尽管来自不同的世界,他们着迷(欣喜)于彼此的差异。此后多年,他们沉浸在爱中,和睦相处。接着,他们决定飞往地球。一开始,一切都如此美妙。但地球的环境开始起作用,一天早上,所有人从睡梦中醒来,都患上了一种特殊的健忘症——选择性健忘症!
Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were supposed to be different. In one morning everything they had learned about their differences was erased from their memory. Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are 7)at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to want what we want and feel the way we feel. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
火星人和金星人都忘了他们来自不同的星球,本来就存在差异。突然,一个早上的时间,他们就全然忘记了他们曾熟知的彼此差异。不清楚两性原来就有差异,这导致男人和女人之间经常起争执。通常情况下,我们对异性感到气愤或是沮丧是因为我们忘记了这一重要事实。我们期望异性和我们更相像。我们渴望他们和自己有共同的需求和感受。我们错误地假定,如果伴侣爱我们,那他们的行为反应就会跟我们对他们爱意举动和反应一模一样。
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WE ON MARS 我们身处火星
Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.
They are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women 8)fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, 9)gadgets, 10)gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the things that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals.
Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can’t achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. 11)Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.
火星人看重权力、能力、效率和成就。他们总在做一些事情去证明自己,去扩大其权力,提高其技能。他们以自己达成目标的能力来定义自我形象。他们主要通过成就业绩来获取满足感。
相比对各色人和各种感受的兴趣,他们对物体更感兴趣。在地球上,即便是现在,也是女人幻想浪漫,男人则幻想着超大动力的车、运行速度更快的电脑、小玩意、小发明以及更强大的新技术。男人们将注意力集中在那些能助其通过创造成果和达到目标来展现其权力的事物。
对于火星人来说,达到目标至关重要,因为对其而言,那是一种证明自己能力,由此获得自豪感的途径之一。而要获得自豪感,他就必须自己去达成这些目标,而不能由其他人代为效劳。火星人为自己能独立完成事情而感到骄傲。自主独立是效率、权力和能力的一种象征。
Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man 12)unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Men are very 13)touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.
Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself? He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.
However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. Fix It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.
理解火星人的这一个性,有助于女人理解为何男人如此抗拒他人纠正其做法,或是告知其该如何做。主动向男人提供建议,即假定了他不清楚该做些什么,或是无法独立完成。对此,男人很恼火,因为能力这东西对他们来说至关重要。
因为火星人正在独立处理自己的问题,所以他极少与他人谈论其问题,除非他需要专业的意见。他的理由是:当我能独立完成一件事时,为何要把别人扯进来?他是不会向外人透露他自己的问题的,除非他需要另一个人帮助寻求解决方法。能独立完成一件事却向他人寻求帮助,这会被视作软弱的一种表现。
然而,如果他的确需要帮助,那么他会明智地寻求帮助。在这种情况下,他会找一个自己敬重的人,和他谈论自己的问题。在火星上,谈论问题就是寻求建议了。而另一名火星人会因为这个提建议的机会而感觉到荣耀。他自动担当起“搞定先生”这一角色,在倾听一会儿后提供一些宝贵的建议。
This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.
He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems. He has no idea that by just listening with 14)empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.
火星人的这一习惯是当女人谈论其问题时,男人会本能地提供解决方法的原因之一。当一个女人单纯地和一个男人分享她的沮丧感,或是就那天的遭遇大吐苦水之时,那个男人错以为她是在寻求一些专业的意见。他担当起“搞定先生”的角色,开始提建议。这是他示爱和试图提供帮助的一种方式。
他希望通过帮助她解决问题来使她的心情好转。他希望自己对她有用。他感觉,当他运用自己的能力解决了她的问题,他就会被看重,因而才配得上她的爱。他全然不知自己带着兴趣倾听并感同身受,就是给予了她支持。他不清楚,在金星上,谈论问题并非是在邀请他人提供解决方法。
LIFE ON VENUS 金星上的生活
Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.
This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman’s experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem. Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women’s restaurant talk can be very open and 15)intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.
金星人有着不同的价值观。她们看重爱、沟通、美和人际关系。她们把大量时间花在相互之间的支持、帮助和呵护上。她们以其感受和人际关系的质量来定义她们的自我感。她们通过分享以及同他人建立联系来获取满足感。
沟通是首要因素。对她们来说,分享个人感受比达成目标和获取成功重要的多。相互交谈和建立联系是其巨大满足感的来源之一。
这一点让男人们难以理解,但只要想想自己赢了比赛、达成目标或是解决问题时获得的满足感,他就能更好地理解女人们对于分享以及他人建立联系这两方面的感受。女人们以关系为重,而非以目标为重;她们更注重表达其善意、爱和关心。两个火星人在午餐时谈论一个项目或一个商业目标,因为他们有一个问题要解决。另外,火星人认为到餐馆去是获取食物的一种高效方式:无需购物、烹饪和洗碗碟。对于金星人来说,共进午餐是培养感情的机会,因为在那种场合下,双方可以向朋友提供帮助,并从朋友那里获得帮助。女人在餐馆里谈论的话题可以涉猎面很广,有些话题还很私密,近乎治疗师和病人之间展开的那类对话。
Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.
Because proving one’s competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn’t feel she 16)mists his ability to do it himself.
A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.
On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.
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Next time you are frustrated with the opposite sex, remember men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
金星人很倚靠直觉。她们从数百年来对他人需求的预感中培养起这种能力。她们为自己能考虑到他人的需求和感受而感到自豪。伟大的爱其表现之一便是在另一个金星人提出请求前主动向其提供帮助和协助。
因为对金星人而言,证明自己的能力并非如此重要。提供帮助并非一种冒犯,而需要帮助也非软弱的表现。然而,当女人向男人提供建议时,他会感觉她掩盖了他独立做事的能力,因而会感觉不快。
对于男人在这方面的敏感,女人毫不知情。因为对她来说,如果有人向她提供帮助,那意味着她身上又多了一份荣耀。这使她感觉到自己被他人爱着,被他人所珍惜。但向男人提供帮助则会使男人感觉自己没有能力、软弱,甚至不被他人所爱。
在金星上,向他人提出意见和建议是关心的一种表现。金星人坚信,当人们在做一件事时,他们总可以把事情做得更好。她们天生就是要去改善一切。当她们关心一个人时,她们就会直率地指出其哪里可以改进,以及怎么去改进。提供帮助和提出有建设性的批评意见是一种爱的表现。
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下一次,当你对异性感到沮丧,请记住:男人来自火星,而女人来自金星。