墨西哥湾的漏油事件无疑是场灾难,但正如经历过的无数场灾难从未让人类泯灭过希望那样,让人伤透脑筋的漏油也不曾抹杀掉人类独特的幽默感。当科学家和工程师们为封堵漏油日夜奋战时,徒有满脑子机灵却帮不上忙的非专业人士也在为寻求非正常途径解决灾难加班加点。瞧,紧扣漏油主题的电子游戏《海湾危机》刚新鲜出炉,好莱坞的金牌编导又要闪亮登场了。想要解决漏油危机?那就拍部动作大片吧!这一切似乎并非想象中那么难……
I like to pretend that life is an action movie. Not only does this make things more exciting, it also justifies my taking a diving leap behind the couch when I look down and see a red dot on my shirt. (Note: It was a ketchup2) stain.)
With the failure of the “top kill” approach to ending the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, we now know that we’ve entered Reel 3 of Oil Spill Armageddon3), a film that’s been kind of interesting but features far too much product placement for BP4). I don’t know why the oil company agreed to let the producers use its trademark—it kinda makes BP look really bad.
At this point in the movie, it’s clear that the heroes—I assume there are heroes somewhere, but they’re not getting much screen time—need to step up their game.
The alcoholic ex-Navy SEAL5) needs to throw away the bottle, the sexy female scientist needs to take off her glasses and let her hair down for a night of passion with the male lead, and the wacky sidekick6) needs to choke to death on oil so we know that this is serious. Then, they need to formulate and execute the Ultimate Plan. Luckily, there are relatively few Ultimate Plans to choose from, so it’s just a matter of selecting the right one. Let’s go through them, shall we?
本人喜欢把生活假想成动作片,这样的话,一来可以把事情变得更加刺激,二来可以让我的以下行为变得合情合理——低头看到自己衬衫上有个红点,就一个鱼跃跳到沙发后面去,就好像发现自己被瞄准了一样。(注:其实就是沾上了点儿番茄酱而已。)
既然“顶部压井”的办法没能阻止墨西哥湾石油继续泄漏,那么现在我们知道,我们得着手拍续集电影《漏油大决战3》了。这部片子一直还有点儿看头,只是给英国石油公司做的植入式广告太多了。我不明白英国石油公司为什么会同意制片人使用其商标——这真的有点儿让英国石油公司丢面子。
电影拍到这里,显然主角儿——我想当然地认为里面应该有几个主角儿,但他们出镜的时间不是很多——需要挺身而出,赶紧出招了。
那个嗜酒如命的前海豹突击队队员需扔掉酒瓶;那个性感的女科学家需摘掉眼镜,解开长发,与男主角度过一个激情之夜;而那个怪里怪气的搭档则需要让石油呛死,好让我们明白问题的严重性(编者注:这三个人物形象是好莱坞动作电影中主角的典型形象)。然后,他们需要拿出终极方案,并付诸实施。所幸的是,可供选择的终极方案寥寥无几,因而我们要做的只是挑选出正确的那个而已。现在我们来把这些方案过一遍,怎么样?
1 Blow It Up 炸了它
In real life, few problems are solved by increasing the amount of rubble in the immediate area. But in action films, explosions can solve anything. Clearly, a big explosive device with lots of wires and an ominous hum needs to be fitted to the oil spill area derrick7) thing. Preferably it should have a large red countdown timer. When it goes off, presumably just before the evil underwater terrorist troops deactivate it, it will somehow plug the oil leak instead of, you know, making it worse. It just works!
现实生活中,靠炸毁周边地区的建筑、增加碎石瓦砾来解决问题的做法是极不靠谱儿的。但是在动作片里,爆炸可以解决一切问题。很明显,在漏油区域的井架上,需要安装一个布满电线并发出不祥的嗡嗡声的大型爆炸装置。在这个装置上面,最好再来一个红色的巨型倒计时定时器。在这个爆炸装置引爆时,据推测,恰好就赶在水下邪恶的恐怖武装将它拆除前一点点——炸弹不仅没有使情况趋于恶化,相反地,你瞧,它会莫名其妙地把漏油的地方给堵住。不管有没有道理,这法子就是管用!
2 Hack It “黑”掉它
“Hack it” is “blow it up” for the nerd crowd. Hacking may not appear to apply to massive, out-of-control oil spills, but Hollywood is filled with very talented writers who are apparently still typing on Smith Coronas8), because they know nothing about computers and assume nobody else does either. So sure, hack the oil spill unit regulator thing. There’s probably a chip in there somewhere, so just have a precocious 12-year-old hack into it and tell it to shut itself off while the burlier9) cast members hold off the evil assassin terrorist troops.
在电脑怪才们眼里,“‘黑’掉它”就是“炸了它”的意思。黑客技术好像还不能应用到失控的大规模石油泄漏上,不过好莱坞有的是才华横溢的编剧,他们显然还停留在用史密斯·科罗纳斯牌打字机打字的时代,因为他们对电脑一无所知,并且想当然地认为别人也和他们一样。所以,放心地去“黑”漏油设备的监控装置吧。在这个装置内的某个地方,多半会有一个芯片,因此,当其他更魁伟的演员们奋力抵御恐怖分子的恶意攻击时,你只需找一个年方12岁却心智早熟的黑客高手,让他侵入芯片的系统,并给系统下达指令,让其自行关闭。
3 Discover It Has a Vulnerability to Something Harmless发现它有一个无伤大雅的弱点
This one has gotten pretty worn out over the years and really started dragging its muffler10) when M. Night Shyamalan11) got hold of it, but you can still pull it out in a pinch12). The nice thing is that you can really just name whatever risk-free savior you want, throw in a half-assed13) Mr. Science explanation, and you’ve got your resolution. For the oil spill, I suggest that the heroes decide to combine it with red wine vinegar to transform it into a harmless and delicious vinaigrette, and do so while fighting off evil antisalad terrorist troops.
自从M·奈特·沙马兰掌握了这种手法后,在过去这些年里,这一手法已经用得相当烂了,而且真的要销声匿迹了。但是到了紧要关头,你依然可以把它翻出来救救急。这一手法的好处在于,你想把任何没有风险的东西说成救命稻草都行,只要再插进那么两句半吊子科学家的解释,解决方案就算搞定啦。就泄漏的石油来说,照我看,主角们肯定会决定把它与红酒醋相混合,将其变成一种无害而且可口的醋油汁儿,而且在击退邪恶的反沙拉恐怖武装时也这么办。
4 Talk It into Giving Itself Up说服它投降
This is pretty unlikely for this particular action movie. Even people who are willing to accept that you can hack into an oil spill aren’t going to buy a scene where the oil spill’s presumed-dead wife shows up and says, “Oil spill? It’s me, Lianne! Please, you’ve got to stop this! Think of the twins!” But, you know, the evil anti-ecological terrorist troops have to have a leader. Maybe Lianne can have a chat with him and he can reveal the oil spill shutdown codes.
对这部特殊的动作片而言,这一方案很不靠谱儿。就连那些愿意相信你能“黑”入漏油设备的人,看到下面这一幕时也不会买账的:大家都以为这位漏油老兄的老婆已经死了,但此时她突然冒出来说:“漏油?是我呀,丽安妮啊!求你了,你必须得阻止这一切呀!想一想我们的那对双胞胎吧!”不过,要知道,这支邪恶的反生态恐怖武装肯定有个头儿。没准儿丽安妮能够跟他套套近乎,而他则很有可能会说漏嘴,把关闭漏油的密码说出来。
5 Drop It off a Cliff将它扔下悬崖
Honestly, I think a really determined auteur14) could figure out how to drop an oil spill off a cliff, but let’s go with the evil terrorist leader again. The heroes confront him in his lair and manage to get him hanging from a parapet15) or flying buttress16) by one hand. Then, what the hey, his wife comes in and talks him into giving up the oil spill’s secret vulnerability before he falls to his death. Then they hack into an underwater balsamic17) well near the oil spill, make it blow itself up, the dolphins are saved, and everyone emerges from the theater blinking and vowing to buy the film on Blu-ray18). Success!
老实说,我觉得一个有自己独特风格的导演要是真下定了决心非这么干不可的话,他是一定能想出办法来把漏油这个家伙扔下悬崖的,但现在还是让我们再次把镜头对准那个邪恶的恐怖分子的头儿吧。剧中的主人公们在他的老巢里与之遭遇了,并且成功地将他逼到了单手挂在一根栏杆或飞拱上的地步。这时,嘿,神了,他的妻子进来了,劝他在摔死之前把漏油不为人知的弱点说出来。接着,主人公们侵入漏油区域附近的一口香喷喷的水下油井,让它自我摧毁了,海豚得救了,从影院里出来的观众个个都眨巴着眼睛,发誓一定要买这部电影的蓝光光盘。火了!
1. blockbuster [5blCk7bQstE] n. 极为成功的电影(或戏剧),消耗巨资拍摄的大片(或巨片)
2. ketchup [5ketF7Qp] n. 调味蕃茄酱
3. 按照一般好莱坞大片的逻辑和惯有模式,当一部影片中的灾难性问题没有得到最终的解决时,就意味着需要拍续集了,直到问题最终解决为止。top kill:顶部压井。the Gulf of Mexico oil spill:墨西哥湾漏油。2010年4月20日,英国石油公司(British Petroleum)租赁的位于美国墨西哥湾的一座半潜式钻井平台爆炸起火。36小时后,平台沉没,11名工作人员遇难。钻井平台底部油井自24日起漏油不止,并引发了大规模原油污染。事故发生后,英国石油公司表示为此次原油泄漏事故负责。Armageddon [7B:mE5^edEn] n. 大决战;世界末日善恶决战的战场(源于《圣经》)
4. product placement for BP:给英国石油公司的植入式广告。文中这里是用电影术语暗示,现实生活中每次提到墨西哥湾漏油事件,都会提到英国石油公司。
5. Navy SEAL:美国海军海豹部队成员。美国海军海豹部队(United States Navy Sea, Air and Land)是直属美国海军的一支特种部队,也是世界知名的特种三栖部队。
6. sidekick [5saIdkIk] n. 伙伴;朋友;同事
7. derrick [5derIk] n. 钻塔;(钻井)井口上的铁架塔
8. Smith Coronas:美国史密斯·科罗纳斯打字机公司,是世界上知名的打字机制造商。现在,该公司名已成为打字机的代名词。
9. burly [5bE:lI] adj. 魁伟的,结实的
10. muffler [5mQflE] n. 消声器
11. M. Night Shyamalan:M·奈特·沙马兰(1970~),印度裔美国电影编剧、导演,电影代表作是《第六感》(The Six Sense)。
12. in a pinch:必要时;在紧要关头
13. half-assed:不称职的;不够格的;能力差的
14. auteur [R:5tE:r] n.〈法〉(具有自己独特风格的)电影导演
15. parapet [5pArEpIt] n. 栏杆,低墙
16. flying buttress:[建]飞拱
17. balsamic [bC:l5sAmIk] adj. 香膏质的
18. Blu-ray:蓝光光盘(Blu-ray Disc),是DVD光盘的下一代光盘格式,用以储存高画质的影音以及高容量的资料。