Some relationships run 1)aground on the 2)perilous 3)shoals of money, sex or religion. When Shauna James’s new romance hit the rocks, the 4)culprit was wheat. “I went out with one guy who said I seemed really great but he liked bread too much to date me,” said Ms. James, 41, a writer in Seattle who cannot eat 5)gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye.
Sharing meals has always been an important courtship ritual and a metaphor for love. But in an age when many people define themselves by what they will or won’t eat, 6)dietary differences can put a strain on a romantic relationship. The 7)culinary camps have become so 8)balkanized that some9)factions consider interdietary dating taboo.
10)No-holds-barred 11)carnivores, for example, may share the view of Anthony Bourdain, who wrote in his book Kitchen Confidential that “vegetarians, and their 12)Hezbollah-like 13)splinter faction, the 14)vegans ... are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit.” 15)Returning the compliment, many vegetarians say they cannot date anyone who eats meat. Vegans, who avoid eating not just animals but animal-derived products, take it further, shivering at the thought of kissing someone who has even sipped honey-sweetened tea.
一些恋情往往在金钱、性或是信仰的险滩上搁浅。而这回肖娜·詹姆斯的新恋情一头撞上礁石,罪魁祸首却是小麦。“我和一个认为我看上去真的很不错的男人约会,但最终他还是因为太爱面包而舍弃了我,”41岁的詹姆斯女士说道。她是西雅图的一名作家,不能食用麸质——一种存在于小麦、大麦和黑麦中的蛋白质。
“同饮共食”一直以来都是一个重要的求爱礼节与爱情象征。但在很多人以“吃”或“不吃”某些东西来标榜自我的这样一个时代里,双方饮食习惯的差异会损害其恋爱关系,而“饮食阵营”也成了“割据地”,有些“派别”会视“跨饮食阵营恋爱”为禁忌。
举例来说,那些百无禁忌的“肉食动物”们,很可能与安东尼·波登持有相同的观点。安东尼·波登在自己的作品——《厨房秘事》中写道:“那些素食主义者,特别是从他们中分裂出来如同黎巴嫩真主党般的分支派 系——绝对素食者……简直是与人类生命力中美好而不失尊严的一面为敌。”面对这样的“美誉”,很多素食主义者则声称无法忍受与任何肉食主义者约会。那些不吃肉也不吃任何动物衍生食品的绝对素食者还说道,只要是一想到和某个哪怕是只喝过蜂蜜茶的人接吻,他们就会颤抖不已。
Lisa Romano, 31, a vegan and school psychologist in Belleville, N.Y., said she recently ended a relationship with a man who enjoyed backyard 16)grilling. He had no problem 17)searing her vegan burgers alongside his beef 18)patties, but she found the practice unenlightened and disturbing. Her disapproval “would have become an issue later even if it wasn’t in the beginning,” Ms. Romano said. “I need someone who is ethically 19)on the same page.”
While some eaters may elevate morality above hedonism, others are suspicious of anyone who does not give in to the pleasure principle.
June Deadrick, 40, a lobbyist in Houston, said she would have a hard time loving a man who did not share her fondness for multicourse meals, including 20)wild game and 21)artisanal cheeses. “And I’m talking cheese from a cow, not that awful soy stuff,” she said.
Judging from postings at food Web sites like chowhound.com and slashfood.com, people seem more willing to date those who restrict their diet for health or religion rather than mere dislike.
Jennifer Esposito, 28, an image consultant who lives in Rye Brook, N.Y., lived for four years with a man who ate only pizza, noodles with butter and the occasional baked potato. “It was really frustrating because he refused to try anything I made,” she said. They broke up. “Food is a huge part of life,” she said. “It’s something I want to be able to share.” A year ago Ms. Esposito met and married Michael Esposito, 51, who, like her, is an adventurous and 22)omnivorous eater. Now, she said, she could not be happier. “A relationship is about giving and receiving, and he loves what I cook, and I love to cook for him,” she said.
Food has a strong subconscious link to love, said Kathryn Zerbe, a psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders at Oregon Health and Science University in Portland. That is why refusing a partner’s food “can feel like rejection,” she said.
As with other differences couples face, tolerance and compromise are essential at the dinner table, marital therapists say. “If you can’t allow your partner to have latitude in what he or she eats, then maybe your problem isn’t about food,” said Susan Jaffe, a psychiatrist in Manhattan.
Dynise Balcavage, 42, an associate creative director at an advertising agency and vegan who lives in Philadelphia, said she has been happily married to her omnivorous husband, John Gatti, 53, for seven years. “We have this little dance we’ve 23)choreographed in the kitchen,” she said. She prepares vegan meals and averts her eyes when he adds 24)anchovies or cheese. And she does not show disapproval when he orders meat in a restaurant. “I’m not a 25)vegangelical,” she said. “He’s an adult and I respect his choices just as he respects mine.” In deference to his wife, Mr. Gatti has cut back substantially on his meat consumption and no longer eats 26)veal. For her part, Ms. Balcavage cooks more Italian dishes, her husband’s favorite.
“There’s this feeling that if we eat the same thing then we are the same thing, and if we don’t, we’re no longer unified,” Dr. Zerbe said. She and Dr. Jaffe said sharing food is an important ritual that enhances relationships. They advise interdietary couples to find meals they can both enjoy. “Or at least a 27)side dish,” Dr. Zerbe said.
For people who like to cook, learning to bridge the dietary divide can be an enjoyable puzzle. Ms. James, the gluten-averse writer, eventually found a man who did not love by bread alone. On her first date with Daniel Ahern, in 2006, she told him that she was gluten-free; he saw it as a professional challenge. “As a chef, it has given me the opportunity to experiment with new ingredients to create things she can eat,” said Mr. Ahern, 39, who works at 28)Impromptu Wine Bar Cafe in Seattle. Ms. James said she fell in love with him after he made her a gluten-free salad of 29)frisée, 30)poached egg and bacon. They married in September last year.
Since then, Mr. Ahern has given up eating bread at home, though he still eats it when he goes out. For her part, Ms. James has begun eating 31)offal and 32)foie gras, which were once33)anathema. “We’ve changed each other,” she said.
31岁的绝对素食者丽莎·罗玛诺是纽约贝勒维尔一所学校的心理咨询师。她说她刚与一位热衷于在后院烧烤的人结束了交往。那家伙总是全无顾忌地把她那素食汉堡和他的牛肉馅饼放在一起来烤,这种行为在她看来是如此无知而恼人。她反对他的这种行为,而这种反对“即使一开始不觉得有什么,久而久之也会成为一个大问题,”罗玛诺女士说道,“我需要一个和我有相同伦理观念的伴侣。”
有些人会把道德观看得比享乐更重,同时也有人对这些不愿屈服于快乐原则之下的人深表怀疑。
40岁的琼·德瑞克是休斯敦的一名说客,她喜欢大鱼大肉,吃饭得有好几道菜,野味肉食不在话下,还要有巧手精制的奶酪。她表示,对于那些没有同样喜好的男士,她是很难去爱的。“我说的是真的用牛奶做成的奶酪,不是那些难吃的大豆制品。”她说。
从诸如chowhound.com和slashfood.com之类的食物网中我们可以看出,人们似乎更愿意与那些出于健康或是信仰原因而约束自己饮食的人约会,而非那些仅仅因为个人喜好而不吃某些东西的人。
28岁的詹尼弗·埃斯帕斯托是住在纽约莱布鲁克的一位形象顾问,她和一个只吃比萨和黄油面条,偶尔吃吃烤土豆的家伙同居了四年。“这真是一件让人沮丧的事情,他从来不吃我做的任何东西,”她说。他们最后还是分手了。“食物是生活的巨大组成部分,”她说道,“也是我很想与人分享的一样东西。”一年前,埃斯帕斯托女士遇见了51岁的迈克尔·埃斯帕斯托,并嫁给了他。他和她一样,是个杂食主义者。现在,她说,她再幸福不过了。“感情讲的是付出和接受。他喜欢我煮的食物,而我也很乐意为他下厨,”她说。
食物与爱情在人们的潜意识里有着强大的关联,波特兰俄勒冈健康与科学大学专攻饮食失调的精神病学家凯瑟琳·泽布说道。这也就是为什么当人们拒绝伴侣提供的食物时,对方“会感觉自己不被领情。”她说道。
和面对夫妻之间的其他分歧一样,餐桌上,同样必须宽容和妥协,婚姻辅导师们如是说。“如果你不能让自己的伴侣享有选择食物的自由,那么你们之间的问题就很可能不仅仅是饮食上的问题了。”曼哈顿的一位精神病学家苏珊·贾菲这样说道。
42岁的绝对素食者戴纳斯·巴尔卡维奇是费城一家广告公司的创意副总监。她说和自己的杂食主义丈夫——53岁的约翰·加蒂结婚七年了,一直很幸福。“在厨房,我们自有韵律,进退自如,”她说。她准备素食餐宴,当丈夫往食物里加入凤尾鱼或奶酪时,她会睁一只眼闭一只眼。当她的丈夫在餐馆里点肉食菜式时,她也不会反对。 “我不是个‘唯素食主义者’,”她说,“他是成年人。我尊重他的选择,就像他尊重我的选择一样。”加蒂先生听从了妻子,已经大幅减少进食肉类食品,也不再吃小牛肉。巴尔卡维齐女士也更加常煮意大利菜了,那是她丈夫的最爱。
“总有一种这样的感觉——如果我们吃同样的食物,那我们就是同一类人,可是如果我们吃的食物不同,那我们就不再成一体。”泽布医生说道。她和贾菲医生都认为,享用同样的食物是可以加深感情的一种重要礼节。他们建议那些饮食习惯不同的夫妻去发掘一些双方都喜爱的菜肴。“就算只有一道配菜也行,”泽布医生说道。
对于那些喜欢烹调的人们来说,如何在相异的饮食习惯之间搭建桥梁是一个十分有趣的难题。詹姆斯女士,那位不能食用麸质的作家,最终找到了一个不仅仅只喜欢面包的男人。2006年,当她第一次与丹尼尔·阿赫尼约会时,她告诉他自己不能食用麸质,他将此视为对自己专业技能的一项挑战。“作为一名厨师,她的这个‘特质’让我有机会尝试用新的材料烹调出她能够食用的菜肴,”在西雅图一家名为“即兴西餐酒廊”工作的39岁的阿赫尼先生说道。詹姆斯女士说,在他为她做了一份不含麸质的卷须生菜拌水煮荷包蛋、熏肉、沙拉之后,她就爱上了他。他们去年九月结婚了。
婚后,尽管阿赫尼先生在外面还是会吃面包,但在家里就不再吃了。而詹姆斯女士则开始吃那些她曾经很讨厌的动物内脏和鹅肝酱。“我们改变了对方。”她说道。
