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When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter. He would open the door and immediately 1)affect a 2)good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
念中学时,我很怕我女友的父亲。我相信他总怀疑我要对他女儿毛手毛脚。他会打开门,立马露出一副“笑里藏刀”的表情,伸出手来和我握手,而当我的手被他握住时,感觉那股力量能把碳压炼成钻石。
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly 3)persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s 4)suitors feel even worse. My motto: 5)Wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
多年后的现在,轮到我当父亲了。记起以前接女友约会时,我受了多少冤枉罪,所以我要尽力让我女儿的追求者们感觉更糟。我的格言是:在客厅就挫掉他们的锐气,那么他们整晚都不敢轻举妄动。
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
作为一个父亲,我有一些基本规矩,我把它们刻在竖在客厅里的两块石碑上。
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure 6)as heck not picking anything up.
规矩一:如果你把车开进我家的车道并且响喇叭,你最好是个送快递的。不然,想从我这里带走什么?绝对没门儿。
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
规矩二:你不能在我面前碰我女儿。你可以瞄她一眼,只要你没盯着她脖子以下的部分看。如果你无法让视线或者手离开我女儿的身体,那么我来帮你移开。
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, 7)come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my 8)electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
规矩三:我知道像你这个年纪的男孩子流行穿那些松松垮垮的裤子,松到似乎都快滑到屁股以下的地方了。我不是要侮辱你们,可是你和你那些朋友也真是十足的傻瓜。不过,我还是想在这方面表现得公正和开放一点,所以我提出一个折中的建议:你可以外露内裤,且穿比合身尺码大十倍的裤子来到我家门口,我不会反对。但是,说真的,为了保证你的衣裤不会在你和我女儿约会的过程中掉下来,我会拿我的电动钉枪把你的裤子在你腰部位置牢牢钉紧。
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me 9)elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
规矩四:我知道肯定有人跟你说过,今时今日做爱而不用某种“屏障”,你会被干掉。我来补充解释一下:(谈情可以,)说到“做爱”,我就是那个屏障,并且我会干掉你。
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
规矩五:为了能互相了解,我们应该聊聊运动、政治以及当天发生的一些其他事。但请你不要这样做。我唯一想从你那里知道的是——你估计什么时候能把我女儿安全送回我家,而关于这个话题,我需要从你那听到的唯一一个词是“很早”。
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
规矩六:我不怀疑你是个“抢手货”,有很多机会约会其他的女孩。只要我女儿觉得没问题,那我也没问题。否则,一旦你和我女儿约会,除非她不要你了,不然你得一直只和她约会。如果你让她流泪,我会让你流泪。
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and 10)fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the 11)Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
规矩七:当你站在我前门走廊等我女儿的时候,如果等超过了一个小时,不要叹气或者烦躁。如果你想准时看电影,你就不该约会。我女儿正在化妆,那过程可能比画金门大桥需要的时间更长。与其呆站在那里,你何不做些更有意义的事,比如帮我的车子换换机油?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the 12)ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, 13)tank tops, 14)midriff T-shirts, or anything other than 15)overalls, a sweater, and a 16)goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature17)chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
规矩八:以下地点不适合用于和我女儿约会:有床、沙发或其他比木凳软的东西的那些地方;没有父母、警察、或者修女在场的地方;漆黑的地方;有人跳舞、牵手或者开心的地方;四周暖得足以诱使我女儿穿短裤、背心、露腰T恤衫,或者其他不是工装裤、毛衣、拉链高至下巴的羽绒服的衣服的地方;应避免看那些情爱性爱意味浓的主题的片子;允许看碎尸惊悚片。曲棍球比赛也可以去看。
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, 18)for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these 19)cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is 20)prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate—ink washes off—and that my 21)wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
我女儿称,当她下楼发现我企图让她的约会对象背诵这简单的八大规条时,她感觉很困窘。我也觉得困窘——才八条呢,还在那里大声抱怨!并且,必须郑重声明,我从没向这些笨蛋中的任何一人暗示威胁说,如果他记不住这些规条,我会把它们纹在他手臂上。(我调查过,那样花费太大。)我只是告诉他,我觉得用圆珠笔把这些规条写在他手臂上不够好——笔墨会被洗去——用我的烙笔写可能更好。
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the 22)drill a few dozen times), she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
有一次,当我妻子发现我让一个想追求女儿的男孩练习把车开进车道、下车、走上前来敲前门。(他坏了第一条规矩,所以我认为他需要把整个流程反复练习个几十遍。)她问我为什么要如此为难那男孩。“你不记得自己像他那般年纪时的情形了吗?”她挑衅道。
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
我当然记得。不然你觉得我怎么会想出这八条简单规矩呢?
