中年危机,也称“灰色中年”,一般高发在39至50岁的中年人身上。从广义上来讲,“中年危机”指的是人们在中年这一人生阶段在事业、健康、家庭婚姻等方面可能经历各种关卡和危机。大多数人到了中年都处于“上有老,下有小”的生活局面,得应对家庭里和事业上遭遇的各种棘手问题,压力实在不小。
下文讲述的是美国女作家劳拉·曼森的丈夫遭遇“中年危机”后,他们之间出现的“中年情感危机”插曲,从中可见两人曲折的心路历程。值得一提的是,在走出“中年危机”困境之后,曼森的丈夫鼓励她把他们的故事写出来和大家分享,于是曼森在《纽约时报》上讲述了她的这段情感波折……
文字难度：★★★
Let’s 1)say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s—gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city 2)bistros when you were single and skinny—have for the most part come true. Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, 3)stargazing.
Sure, you have your 4)marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your5)wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”
His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a 6)sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to 7)duck. And once I’d recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t 8)buy it.”
He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a 9)custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind. So he turned 10)mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”
11)Gut-12)wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t. Instead, a 13)shroud of calm 14)enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”
假设你拥有你认为是健康的婚姻:在共度了半生之后,你们仍然是朋友及爱人。20多岁时——那时你们还单身,身段苗条,身处点着蜡烛的市区小餐馆的你们凝望着彼此的眼睛——你们要实现的梦想如今大部分都已实现了。二十年之后,你拥有20英亩(80936平方米)土地、农舍、孩子,小狗及马匹。你成为了你自己所说的那种父 母——充满爱意、循循善诱。下面这些你都经历过了:去迪斯尼乐园、去露营、去夏威夷和墨西哥度假、在城市里生活以及眺望星星。
当然,你也有婚姻问题,但是总体而言,对所有事情的运作你还是自我感觉良好,以致就算是在最怪异的噩梦中,你也不会想到在某个晴朗夏日,你会从你丈夫口中听到这些话:“我不再爱你了。我也不知道我是否曾经爱过你。我要搬出去。孩子们会理解的,他们也想我过得快乐。”
他的话就像一记重拳冷不防地朝我击来,但那时不知怎的,我竟然闪躲过去了。我立即恢复过来,故作镇定地说道:“我不吃你这一套。”
他惊讶地往后退了退。显然,他以为我会大哭,会向他发怒,会以争夺孩子的监护权来威胁他。或者哀求他改变主意。于是,他变本加厉进一步攻击,说道:“我不喜欢你变成这个样子。”
一时之间,一阵揪心断肠的静默。他怎么能说这样的话呢?当时我真的很想跟他大吵一顿,发飙,大哭一场。但是我没有这么做。相反地,我异常冷静,只是重复着这句话:“我不吃你这一套。”
You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the 15)insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness—and I mean all of it. My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage, to be 16)done with our family. But I wasn’t buying it.
I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create 17)co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and 18)therapy. There are times in every relationship when the 19)parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
“20)Huh? I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”
My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? 21)Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer. I remained 22)stoic. I could see pain in his eyes…
你瞧,最近我一门心思想好了要与自己无条件讲和。我为“结束痛苦”而努力着。最后,我成功将脑海中的那些声音驱逐出去——这些声音宣称我的个人快乐程度只能取决于我的外在成就,而这些成就植根于那些我往往无法控制的东西。我看到了将这两者等同的荒谬,决定要为自己的快乐负责——我的意思是所有的快乐。关于这一点,我的丈夫还没醒悟过来。他多年来乐于辛勤工作,一直以来用其收入养活我们一家四口。但最近他的新工作进展得不是很顺利,他养家糊口的能力急剧下降。对此,他感到痛苦,觉得自己无能,情绪失控,身体也不管了。而现在他想逃离我们的婚姻,想放弃我们的家庭。但是,我不吃他这一套。
我说:“孩子们还小,没法期望他们去关心父母快乐与否。除非你想孩子产生心理‘依附’,一辈子婚恋不顺,还得整天寻求心理辅导。在每段关系中,总会出现当事人想出逃冷静一段时间的情况。我们应该怎样做才能给你想要的距离,而又不会伤害到家庭呢?”
“哈?我不要距离,”他说,“我想要搬出去。”
我的脑子在飞速运转着。是因为另一个女人吗?是毒品?还是有违良心的秘密?但是我制止了自己。我不要再痛苦烦恼了。我依然保持一副淡然的样子。在他的眼中,我看到了痛苦……
Well, he didn’t move out. Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He 23)blew off our entire 24)Fourth of July—the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks—to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was 25)distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.” But I didn’t 26)play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.”
My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!” I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it. Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.
I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I 27)took the high road. I ignored his 28)lashing out, his merciless 29)jabs. On bad days, I would 30)fester in the August sun while the kids ran through 31)sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally,” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.
噢,他没有搬出去。相反地,他很不负责地度过了那个夏天。他不再像往常一样6点回到家。他会夜归,并且不打电话回家。他推掉了我们七月四日国庆日的所有活动——游行、烧烤及烟花——而去了别人的派对。在家的时候,他疏离冷漠。他不会看我的眼睛,也不会祝我“生日快乐”。但我没让他得逞,我仍然我行我素。我告诉孩子们:“爸爸现在正处于艰难时期,大人常会这样的。但不管怎样,我们仍是一家人。”
我那些密友个个替我感到忿忿不平。“你怎么可以坐视不理,忍受他的这种行为?把他赶出去!找个律师办离婚嘛!”面对他们,我也依然我行我素。这个男人在承受着痛苦和煎熬,但这不是我要去解决的问题。事实上,我必须走开,好让他自己去解决问题。私底下,我决定给他时间。六个月。
我熬过了那段时好时坏的日子。好的时候,我大度包容,他的恶言相向、无情打击我都视而不见。难受的时候,我会在孩子们拿着喷壶四处奔跑的时候,在八月的烈日中备受煎熬,满脑子对他的怒气。但我从没有动摇。尽管当丈夫跟你说他不再爱你时,你对自己说“不要太在乎”,这听起来也许荒谬,但有时候这正是你要去做的。
我给了他选择权,而不是向他发出最后通牒,大喊大闹或者苦苦哀求。在那个夏日里,我为家庭创造了欢乐,并且欢迎他参与其中分享这种欢乐,或者不参 与——这取决于他。如果他选择不参与的话,我们会挂念他,但我们仍然会过得很好,非常感谢。我烤好肉,做好柠檬水,摆好四人用餐的餐具,在远处爱着他。
Instead of 32)issuing 33)ultimatums, yelling, crying, or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not—it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. I barbecued. Made 34)lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.
And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future. It was Thanksgiving dinner that 35)sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.” He was back.
And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not so young and golden anymore. When life’s 36)knocked us around. And our childhood37)myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal. My husband had become lost in the myth. But in the end, he found his way out.
就这样,有一天,他早早地下班回家修剪草坪。一个男人要离开家的话,是不会去修剪草坪的。反正这个男人是不会的。然后他修理了那扇已经坏了八年的门。他又说道,我们屋子的前廊需要重新用油漆刷一下。我们屋子的前廊。他提到要为下一个冬天准备一些木头。将来。他开始一点点地谈及将来。感恩节晚餐印证了这一切。我丈夫谦卑地低着头说道:“我很感激我的家人。”他回来了。
我看到了他之前遗失的东西:自尊。他之前曾丧失了自尊。或许,中年时当我们的自尊心受到冲击,并且我们意识到自己不再年轻,已过了黄金时期的时候就会出现这种情况。当生活让我们到处碰壁,当我们孩提时的假想最终被证实也不过如此。真相就像是冷不防的一记重拳:不是配偶,或者土地,或者工作,或者金钱就能给我们带来幸福快乐。那些成就,那些关系只能增加我们的幸福感。是的,幸福快乐必须是发自内心的。依赖于其他的任何对等物都是致命的。我丈夫曾经迷失于那种迷思当中,但最终,他找到了他的出路。
