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How many times have you gotten upset because someone wasn’t doing their job, because your child wasn’t behaving, because your partner or friend wasn’t 1)living up to his or her end of the bargain? How many times have you been irritated when someone didn’t do things the way you’re used to? Or when you’ve planned something carefully and things didn’t go as you’d hoped?
This kind of anger and irritation happens to all of us—it’s part of the human experience.
One thing that irritates me is when people talk during a movie. Or 2)cut me off in traffic. Or don’t wash their dishes after eating. Actually, I have a lot of these little annoyances—don’t we all? And it isn’t always easy to find peace when you’ve become upset or irritated.
Let me 3)let you in on a little secret to finding peace of mind: see the glass as already broken.
See, the cause of our stress, anger and irritation is that things don’t go the way we like, the way we expect them to. Think of how many times this has been true for you.
And so the solution is simple: expect things to go wrong, expect things to be different than we hoped or planned, expect the unexpected to happen. And accept it.
One quick example: on our recent trip to Japan, I told my kids to expect things to go wrong—they always do on a trip. I told them, “See it as part of the adventure.”
And this worked like a charm. When we inevitably took the wrong train on a foreign-language subway system, or when it rained on the day we went to Disney Sea, or when we took three trains and walked 10 blocks only to find the4)National Children’s Castle is closed on Mondays … they said, “It’s part of the adventure!” And it was all OK—we didn’t get too bothered.
多少次,你因为某人不履行其职责而烦恼,因为孩子不听话而烦恼,因为伴侣或朋友不遵守诺言而烦恼?又有多少次,你因为某人没有按你一惯的方式做事而生气?或是因为周详计划却落得事与愿违的结局而恼怒?
这类气愤和恼怒发生在我们每个人的生活中——它是人生体验的一部分。
使我恼怒的事包括有人在我看电影时聊天,有人超我车,有人用餐后不清洗盘子。事实上,我有许多类似的小烦恼——我们每个人都有,不是吗?而且,每当我们变得心烦意乱或恼怒,总是很难平静下来。
让我告诉你一个使自己平静下来的秘诀:把玻璃杯看作是已经破碎了的。
你瞧,我们之所以感到有压力,感到气愤、恼怒都源于事情没有按我们喜欢的,期望的方式发展。想想有多少次都是因为这样。
要是这样,解决办法就简单了:料想事情可能会出问题,料想事情可能会不按照我们所希望的或是计划的方向发展,料想会有意外之事发生。并且学会接受。
举个简单的例子:我和孩子们最近去日本旅行时,我让他们做好心理准备,旅途也许会不太顺利——旅途中总会遇到这样那样的状况。我告诉他们:“把遇到的意外状况看作是冒险的一部分”。
这心态如魔法般奏效。当不可避免的事发生,比如我们在使用外文指示的地铁系统中坐错车,或是在我们去迪斯尼海洋乐园的那天下起了雨,或是我们坐了三趟火车,又步行了10个街区,却发现国立儿童馆逢周一闭馆……孩子们会说:“这是冒险的一部分!”,而且一切都还好,我们并没有因为那些事而过于烦恼。
So when the nice glass you bought inevitably falls and breaks, someday, you might get upset. But not if you see the glass as already broken, from the day you get it. You know it’ll break someday, so from the beginning, see it as already broken. Be a time-traveler, or someone with time-traveling vision, and see the future of this glass, from this moment until it inevitably breaks. And when it breaks, you won’t be upset or sad—because it was already broken, from the day you got it. And you’ll realize that every moment you have with it is precious.
Expect your child to mess up—all children do. And don’t get so upset when they mess up, when they don’t do what they’re “supposed” to do … because they’re supposed to mess up.
Expect your partner to be less than perfect.
Expect your friend to not show up sometimes.
Expect things to go not according to plan.
Expect people to be rude sometimes.
Expect coworkers not to 5)come through sometimes.
Expect roommates not to wash their dishes or pick up their clothes, sometimes.
Expect the glass to break.
And accept it.
You won’t change these inevitable facts—they will happen, eventually. And if you expect it to happen—even see it as already happening, before it happens—you won’t get so upset.
You won’t overreact. You’ll respond appropriately, but not overreact. You can talk to the person about their behavior, and ask them kindly to consider your feelings when they do this … but you won’t get overly emotional and 6)blow things out of proportion.
You’ll smile, and think, “I expected that to happen. The glass was already broken. And I accept that.”
You’ll have peace of mind. And that, my friends, is a welcome surprise.
所以,当你买的漂亮的玻璃杯某天最终逃不过被摔碎的命运时,你可能会心烦意乱,但如果你在得到它的那天起就把它看作是已破碎的东西,你就不会感到烦恼了。你知道它总有一天会碎,所以从一开始,你就把它看作已经碎了。做一个时间旅行者,做个拥有跨越时空感的人,看看这个玻璃杯的未来,从这刻起,直到它不可避免地被打碎。然后,当它真的被打碎时,你就不会太烦恼或难过了——因为从你得到它的那天起,它就已经碎了。并且,你会意识到,当它完整时,拥有它的每一刻是那样珍贵。
料想着你的孩子会把事情弄得一团糟吧——所有孩子都这样。并且,当他们把事情弄糟,当他们没有做“本该”做的事时,不要那么烦恼……因为你早料想到他们会把事情弄糟。
料想着你的伴侣不那么完美。
料想着你的朋友有时会不露面。
料想着事情不会按照计划进行。
料想着人们有时会不礼貌。
料想着你的同事有时会不守承诺。
料想着你的室友有时会不洗盘子,也不收衣服。
料想着那个玻璃杯会被打碎。
并且接受这一切的发生。
你无法改变这些必然会发生的事情——它们终会发生的。但如果你料想到它会发生——甚至在事情发生前,就把它看作已发生——你就不会那么烦恼了。
你不会反应过度。你会做出适当的回应,而不会反应过度。你可以和当事人谈谈他们的行为,和善地请求他们在做这事时考虑一下你的感受……但你不会过于情绪化,把事情夸大。
你会微笑,想着:“这是我预计会发生的。那个玻璃杯在我心里早就碎了。所以我可以接受它。”
你的内心会很平静。朋友们,那会成为一份让人欢欣的惊喜。